going barefoot is no longer....bearable.

the life it pulls my back
like nothing ever
pulled before.
and the weather changes
now like it has ever
changed before
the cold sweeps in
the space is thin
through windows
vents
and doors...
it rolls around
and makes a sound
like never heard before.

The sun in winking
slowly shrinking
off to something more
the irritating
cold is waiting
feet
to meet
the floor.

get out

A bout of intense depression had clouded my thoughts for weeks. I was at my breaking point, that point where I was sure that if something wonderful or something terrible did not happen soon, I was going to lay on the floor in exhaustion....staring blankly and blinking only when the burn of the wind was too much to bear, tears of pain rolling down my cheeks...the only tears this face had met in far too long.

But Sunday it was as if the cloud lifted...the black balloon bursted into a thousand peices, too small for anything to choke on. And now my head pounds from hunger, so much that I must go to sleep to end it.

green-ish

he keeps a tiny flip book in his left back pocket
it is filled with poems about silly things like
oppression
poor people
conspiracy
and myself..
He told me once that he knew me.
and I say "you don't really.
you just want ME
to think YOU
know everything."
But he did not..
and I never told him.
End of converstion
so we began to talk about money because it seems to be the flesh
and the guts and perhaps even the bones of everything
and God is nowhere to be found.
because THAT would be silly
like me and my dreams
which would therefore belong
with the other silly things
quietly riding
in back of his jeans
that are from 1998 but have never been in style....
with wierd pockets that don't fit anyones' butt i mean not even people in 1998 much less HIS butt which is sexy
because he thinks it is, which somehow makes the jeans in style (though they have NOT ever been)
but he makes them glorious...
with snakeskin shoes.

What a horrible combination
but still somehow very sexy because he, with his great big ego, is underneath it all.
...and though he will never be famous
he will always act like he is.

And to the lonely, only me
on my little planet he'll always be
famous..

which he will never EVER know about because I can never EVER tell him
so as to avoid bloating his already enormous head...
and if you poked it with something sharp and very small
I imagine that EGO
(which is probably green, like money....the flesh of all guts of all bones of all people LIKE him) would come hissing out..
for twenty yards or so I imagine..
and I would chase him down the hallway batting his hands away from the tiny (but awesome) hole in his shrinking head....
So we wrestle and roll
as I strive to control
the perfidy
the bulge
the ego
the ugly
swell of his now shrinking head.

And I hold back his hands
So perhaps I could drain it.....
say, a third???
or maybe less,
we will eye-ball it.
...so NOW we sit at the end of the hallway, I am holding an old towel.....
by this time he has surrendered
because you would be surprised what a little less ego can do.

we are looking at the hallway,
we are seeing the green spattered walls
how fortunate, I would think, that we painted them green when we moved here.
We would be winded from the chase, we would catch our breath at the end of the hallway
and sit in awe for several minutes.
breathing.

"wow" i would say,
"You should write about this."

surrender of the backseat driver

With my feet on the dash
And an upside down map
I squinted and said
“its not time for this yet"
In disbelief now
"it's not time for this ever"
and the driver He laughed
“Oh you think you know better?”
still grinning and laughing
sat back into leather
turned the radio up
raised his eyes to the weather
and he drummed on the wheel
to the beat of his choice
drowning out the complaints
of my ignorant voice.

And He said
“Well it is.
if I say that it is”
I stared down at my hands

so small next to his
said half to myself "ya I guess that you're right"
So I just let him steer
through the fog of the night.

“So what are we all doing here?”
I asked
He smiled and he pushed back his hair…
“Relax.”
Said “I think that you know here with me you’ll
survive...
and dont you think after your life
you're alive?"

Stated not so much like an inquiry
cause Lord knows that he knows my
impatient worries
She saw at times life of the solitary
Is one thing
that she knew
she’d just have to
carry
cause round here you know
you can't lay around
and let the the things in
that just weighed you down
youve gotta get out
to shine brightly and grow
though things might get quiet
you're never alone
cause the company there
in the midst of a prayer
none other
shall ever
know.

hilltops of glory i now can see

circle outside right beside the hilltop
never thought'd this' how tonight would wind up
but here i see i am with you fine people

circle outside back behind the hilltop
a group of strangers share a little smoke and small talk
but then again who knows anyone anyway?

...well he said how old are you i said twenty two
he said you're a grown woman so what you gonna do
and the speaker she was thrown to speechless somehow

and i backtracked a step said dont ask me yet
been puttin that off awhile'n tryin to forget
that this grown up child has got to be a lady now

circle outside out beside the hilltop
group of strangers goin round and sharin deep thoughts
clouds and wind blow through the pastures near

circle outside just behind the hilltop
just a group of Gods children here to watch the moon drop
new friends now i see i held so dear

quiet old man with the white silver beard
he said someones comin and it caught my ear
and then he asked the young girl if ya wanna hear more

so i said yeah and he kept talkin
my mouth was shut and eyes a gawkin
cause through the silver came the secrets of the world

and i listened for hours...

sittin in the circle outside the hilltop
under all the talkin you can hear the rain drop
seems ive found a kinship here tonight

circle getting closer as they close the hilltop
night creatures sound outside of eyeshot
summer moon and stars give peaceful light

then another spoke up said your bodys nice
i blushed said thanks and I rolled my eyes
i said lets try not to make a big deal of it

since we ran out of talk we sang bobby mgee
and to my surprise they knew the words good as me
and to melody the harmony just fit

circle outside right behind the hilltop
none of us knew this is where we'd end up
knowin each other in short time that we met

i'm gonna forget me plenty of things
cause age it comes and holes it brings
but that night i learned this lifes sublime secret

oh yeah laugh now frat boy

you pinch em and you hate em
and you drive em to the brink
the dishes stack up ten feet tall
they rot against the sink
you think that cause youre rich
that you must have to own the world
you think cause who your parents are
youll always win the girl
but this girl sees right through you boy
she knows just what your worth
your bout as deep as puddles go
and only half the girth
youll own this campus corner
till your bout twenty five
then everyone will see your soul
youll cease to live the life
and no one will care what youve got on
and pricey it may be
your stupid shirt cant hide your filth
you never hid from me.

uneasiness never gets any easier.

dust a little bug
ever so gently from my shoulder
and i think about the things
that held me here and made me older
like how i belly-crawled
and hung my head
throughout the drunken dusty summer
sat beneath dim light at cheap old tables
made for me
to drink me under
but still i see it never quenched
that lonely lonesome human hunger
for something bigger something
wild
some way to keep me younger

and i remember why there never was a satisfying place to go

because theres too many other places that my bare feet want to know

and the feeling that they never will overwhelms me now it seems

cause theres nothing more ill ever want than to chase those secret dreams

and every day i pray they may fit in my bigger scheme

my scheme of things is murky but i long to see it clean

someday it will be clean...

i want to hear the voice of God and turn my stride to where it goes

i want to see the angels on the hill and stay the course that glows

i want to walk a new terrain thats made to fit between my toes

i want to taste the rain its skies provide and feel the wind it blows

i need to have it all around me let it saturate my skin

like wet around the catfish gills i want to breathe it in

because im bored of you im bored of here and boredom mothers sin

im going to feel the brand new loved one, have to find the brand new kin...