OUT! OUT! You demons of technology!

I jog outside at night. Last weekend I camped under a bridge in downtown Tulsa. I talk shit to women at slummy bars. I sing karaoke...and am terrible at it. But I do it. I can do it all.

but I can't bear THAT. It's just too terrifying.

Always someone telling me I've forgotten to do something. I never hung out with them. I stood someone up on a date that I forgot about...okay maybe I didn't want to go because honestly, I hate dates.

But not as much as I hate that... I just can't bear it....it's too terrifying. Always 'hi this is so-and-so with so-and-so and you haven't paid your credit card.' or 'hi this is I-met-you-at-louies-guy and i bought you a drink and you didn't go home with me' ( haha!!) or then there's Norma, the Jehova's witness I met nearly six months ago at JiffyLube.

Don't ever give your number and home address to a Jehovah's witness.

I can pick up snakes. I can go through the house and check all the closets. I can SWASH back the shower curtain real fast to prove there is nobody back there. I can make the dangly spider hang from my finger as I try to run outside faster than the spider can close the distance.....I can do all this.

but I can't do that....it's just nerve-wracking. it makes me sweat. Hear that sick little clack clack click? Tooth against fingernail.

Always Deana with meals on wheels....wondering if i can drive like, yesterday. my ex, wondering if I died. My mom, wondering if my ex has killed me yet. My mom again, wondering if I'm wearing my seatbelt at that very moment. My mom AGAIN. My dad...always the same, he always begins "Kierston, this is your dad..." (no shit dad). The rest of the message might be the same every time too. I don't know. I don't ever make it that far.

I can't. I just can't. It's too terrifying. I have to press 7 7 7 7 7......and more 7's... 'delete, delete, delete,"
i say it out loud.
'delete, delete, delete."
while pressing the sevens. cutting off the voices. without even hearing them usually.

But then there's the reward. My favorite ones. the ones I have saved that play after the scary ones.

like the one of my brother and drew singing happy birthday to the tune of batman.
"Happy birthday, da-na-na-na-na-na-na!
it's your birthday, da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na!"

and the ones from boys with nice voices. cute boys, with nice voices.

and the drunk dials. like when shannon left the whole chorus to 'smack that'

and the ones for the wrong person. usually for someone named jamie. Always drunk messages....people drunk enough to keep talking to the wrong person after hearing the personalized greeting....because Hi this is Kierston sounds nothing like Hi this is Jamie leave a message....and they talk anyway, not to me, but to Jamie. funny.

but not. That little VHS tape/envelope-looking icon at the top of the screen. It stares at me. It mocks me. It says to me, it says;

'you didn't answer your phone and somebody has something to say about that missy. And i'm not a gonna gowa way until you hear them out'

But i can overcome. I have a brand new dance! I have the sevens. Seven seven seven! delete delete delete! Out you beasts, OUT! I have an old priest and a young priest! Holding the phone away from my head, I press the sevens! Ha!

Don't beep at me when you want to be plugged in, I say when you eat!!
Don't tell me when I have to listen to people, eff you!

I am the boss, the master of technology. We are the masters of technology. We can conquer our phones! What a feat! And what's next!!?? The world!?